|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1800AD to 1899AD.
- Mankind successfully builds colonies in Hell
- King George III briefly considers going mad again, decides to postpone it.
- Devastating rain of wildebeeste in Manitoba.
- Napoleon gets caught in his zipper.
- October - Ichabod Crane mysteriously disappears from Sleepy Hollow.
- Rameses Thing, Great Khan of Turkey is assassinated by his own bodyguard, the Khanettes.
- New South Wales Governor Captain John Hunter invents the rotary lawnmower. This wonderous contraption remains unused until the invention of two-stroke fuel.
- In a surprise move, the Czar decides to continue opressing Russian peasants. 'What can I say? We were on a roll. We Czars can just keep on doing this, and we'll never get our comeuppance! No comeuppance!'
- Japanese artist Afake Namu invents hentai. Hailed as a hero by the people of Japan, he is immediately promoted to Emperor and given all the ink and paper he wanted.
- Pope Pius VI dies, is succeeded by Pope Pius VII one year later.
- Due to an administrative error in the British parliament, the Act of Union makes Ireland a part of Hungary.
- Oscar Wilde makes several pithy quotes, in spite of not being born yet. Physicists put this down to some sort of infinite time loop involving Wilde, though they, as yet, have no details.
- And in Sweden, nothing bloody happened, as usual.
- Luis H. Aguilera coined the term imbecil-ized.
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet and rap artist, gunned down by an Albatross gang in revenge for killing an albatross and writing a dumb poem about it.
- George Washington dies while on the toilet.
- Paris Hilton is congened in the Dagobah system.
- Portugal is voted coolest country in the world, but then is immediately usurped by America, who then proceed to outsource all labor to Portugal.
- The year "9" on the French Republican calendar, January 1 was day 12 of the month "Cinqueme", but the new ruler Napoleon changed it back to the original Christian calendar.
- Japan builds the first Nuclear bomb. But decides not to blow the hell out of everything, but to bury the formula 20,000,000 miles below the surface, only for the United States to find it in the 1940's, and use it against them.
- The great You have two cows project was launched at the Vatican. While it began as a small, low budget enterprise it quickly grew into one of the most successful money makers in recent years.
- 1801 also signaled the invention of the Aeroplane by super intelligent Stoats that had escaped from Bedlam (a high security mental hospital).
- The Pimp Drummers Society was formed in America by three Afro-American drummers.
- The leader of the stoats, Arthur Dent also went on to star in The Hitch Hikers Guide to Barking.
- Pork and beans invented by the Jews, suprisingly, it's not kosher. All Jews go missing for 6 hours to allegedly discuss the matter. During this time, Bruce Willis is elected President of the Jews and proceeds to eat all pork and beans in Eastern Europe. This is never mentioned again until 2 days later.
- Spain invades and crushes Portugal so they are no longer the coolest country in the world.
- The most advanced computer of all time was uninvented.
- France decides that it will sell the Louisiana Territory to the United States in 1803.
- French army invades Switzerland. God finds this conflict so utterly pointless, that he skips forward to 1804. 1803 never happens.
- Satan uses his own feces to create Fred Phelps
- German commander Ludwig van Beethoven plants, what will later become the trees lining the streets of Paris, during World War I for troops to march through Paris in the shade. These trees would later shade German troops in furure wars against France including World War II, the Russian Revolution, and the Franco-Prussian War. The planting is later described by Otto von Bismarck in De Bello Gallico eventually becoming that years bestseller.
- The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Napoleon Bonaparte.
- Flitterby College is founded by world famous aviator Darles.H.Charline. The following year, Flitterby takes to the skies and instantly crashes into Jusmiluck College, destroying it completely.
- September 4th: Abraham Lincoln is born in Minnesota.
- The tv show Muppet Babies makes its debut. Noted for its use of cloning technology and a mutation to make the babies remain no older than two years old, the show received poor reviews mostly due to no one being able to understand what the babies were saying, and was eventually cancelled after several weeks.
- Gravity is invented by physicist Gwen Stefani.
- Apples started falling from trees pretty soon after the invention of gravity.
- May 29 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes Text describing the day. He then writes the quote, "WTF happened to Sodium Penthanol day?!?," resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently killing themselves.
- July 11 - Former United States Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is fatally injured after falling in a tug of war with longstanding political rival and Vice President Bob Dole.
- The sun splits into two.
- Paris Hilton is born.
- Ronald McDonald is born on May 2 to proud parents John McCain and Joseph Stalin. May 2 is also the date of the first recorded instance of Baby Jesus crying. There is still debate between historians and other people who don't have a real job as to whether the two events are related or mere coincidence.
- June 5th Edgar Davids is born on a speeding train. (He is born quite often) .
- October 45th - United Islands of Europe's president Karlo Juhannus Stälber be assassinated. Abraham Lindström become his successor.
- Emancipation Proclaimation made by Benjamin Franklin.
- Jimmy Dean rises to power in China, claiming that he could "enhance their sausages".
- Chicago has its quickest day since records began. Everyone cheered because they were so happy that the day was fast and everyone agreed that it was very special.
- Luxembourg holds a secret poll to become the coolest country in the world.
- Napoleon sneaks into Austria.
- Napoleon tries to sneak into Britain, but is noticed and runs off
Nothing happens. Napoleon Pwns some Prussians.
- Steve Jobs is born.
- Anal sex invented
- 06:00 - The Alarm Clock went off. Panjit Purdan Singh, a cobbler in Madras turned it off and everyone went back to sleep.
- 07:30 - Gretchen Scheiden, a housewife from Klutz, woke up feeling peckish. Realising the time, she woke up the rest of the world and put the kettle on.
- 09:00 - Due to hangovers, approximately 15,000 people skipped breakfast and just had black coffee.
- 11:03 - Beginning work on his fifth Symphony, Ludwig Van Beethoven sneezed violently and accidentally knocked over the ink. The resultant mess became the opening 'DA DA DA DUM' that school-children around the world know and love.
- 13:00 - Russia and Sweden declared a temporary ceasefire so that the Tsar could have lunch with the Czar, the Csar and the Tzar.
- 16:00 - England stopped for Tiffin.
- 17:28 - Miller Time in the Colonies.
- 23:59 - New Year's Celebrations around the world lasted about 50 seconds, with the remaining 10 seconds used up by everyone going '10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year' and then singing Auld Lang Syne.
- Sorry. We were so engrossed with the numerical possibilities, we never got around to researching this year. Or 9018...
...oh yeah, and Edgar Allan Poe was born on January 19th. Just sayin'.
1810 and 1811 unexpectedly decided to switch places. No news yet on how 1812 is taking the move. However, there are talks of 2010 and 2011 following suit.
A year made famous primarily by the war in which Mexico, United States, Britain, and Texas (collectively, the Atlantic Axis) invaded Canada and killed God at the Battle of Badon Hill (God eventually recovered with the help of Bruce Lee). Fortunately the Axis powers were persuaded by the wily undertakings of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God to surrender unconditionally as the Canadians burnt the White House. Not one drop of blood was shed, except when Baal was summoned from Hell. Baal, being known for his prowess as a lawyer, was summoned to write up the papers which bewildered and amazed the unsuspecting invaders. Canadians enjoy good relations with Ninjas, Pirates and Vikings after this point. They still don't trust Zombies or Robots. Relations with Gunslingers are meh.
It is a well known fact that 1812 is the dawn of time.
- The Great grease fire of 1812 occurred, destroying a record number of marijuana and cocaine crops (oh and I think a few people were killed too).
- British naval officer Captain William Bligh, commanding the Bounty 2 is killed with his crew while trying to acquire mañana fruit from Kiribati Island.
- The cult known as the Youth Culture claims responsibility for the death of the mascot of the popular music group They Might Be Giants during the Great Phallic Terrorist Attack of 1812 in Oprah's first attempt for world domination.
- Halo 2 was born, thanks to Karl Marx, with the help of Oscar Wilde.
- The 1812 overture was Inspired, however plans for its comstruction would not begin until 1943.
(No, you stupid, stupid American, this ISN'T ABOUT AMERICA, ITS ABOUT RUSSIA.
- The Great Gay Migration of 1812 kicked off, and, consequently, the Gay Supercowboy Alliance is organized by Ponce de Leon and Wal Mart founder John Walton (aka John Boy).
- Puzzle potato officially refound.
- The War of 1812 did not happen in this year.
- Airport's existence forgotten.
- And at a much more important note, Napoleon entered Russia, won Russia, then fucked off before freezig the French army to death.
- 29 February: Sweden is created by misstake by Armenian slaves in a laboratori in Tsarskoye Selo Saint Petersburg.
- The robots of Sicilian city of Spring Yard Zone ratify the laws of thermodynamics to their constitution.
- Halo 2 kills Karl Marx. Oscar Wilde goes into the witness protection program.
- The Goat Act of 1669 is passed by the Auxiliary Bipolar Orchestral Canadian Parliament.
- 28 February: Mikhail Petrovic Polkovnik in the Red Army is steeling a bottle of Absolut Vodka from Sedish President Wladimir von Stalinhoffen
- 29 February: von Stalinhoffen is mobilizing the Swedish Army.
- 30 Februari: Sweden declares war on Russia so von Stalinhoffen can get his Vodka bottle back.
- 31 February:_ Swedish Army is winnig the Battle of Günzburg and Russia is conquered. The National Anthem of Russia is replaced by ther National Anthem of Sweden.
Petrovic murdered and buried alive.
- 32 February: von Stalinhoffen finds out that his bottle of Vodka is empty! Petrovic had already drunken it! von Stalinhoffen is making suicide but Russia remains as a Swedish colony until 1917.
- 16-19th October: Battle of Leipzig/leaping pigs. 70 000 pigs killed by the 19th. Napoleon fails due to complete lack of pigs in his ar,y/
- Napoleon invented Dynamite.
- ABBA reached #1 in the UK Top 40 with their hit single Battle of Waterloo. 40 000 (Thats Over 9000!) people killed as a result.
- Clint Eastwood was locked up in Azkaban prison.
- Dr. Phil became a real person.
- Halo 2 committs suicide, leaving Oscar Wilde to come out of hiding for his famed tour of Europe.
- The great masculine, unstoppable, Napolean commanding the French (GASP! they can kick ass?) and his heroism in killing British army gets it's ass kicked by a bunch of rednecks, negro slaves, and feral pirates in The Battle for New Orleans. How demoralizing.
- Volcano go boom. Everyone freeze to death. Thus, nothing happen for many moons.
- During the confusion, Clint Eastwood escapes.
“That's Heavy Doc!.. ”
George Jefferson elected president. Obama, you're not the first Black president: your mom is white, your dad is Indonesian and you grew up rich. You're a poser. George PWNS you.
- Christopher Poole is born, and all of the deprived children of the world rejoice, for they finally have a father to let them continue being deprived, and then on top of that, they have become the little children of the internet. Also known as /b/tards.
In an attempt to accomplish the impossible and travel into the future, the British decide to skip the 1819 calender year and advance to 1820.
Latin America became independent from Spain. They wanted to be the Other United States of America, but the name was taken. The Monroe doctrine was used to keep them under wraps.
Town of Chako Paul City founded by angry lesbian widow.
There was no 1822, apart from an area in South West Spain, as no-one tells them that the year was cancelled.
But even though this year never happened the people of South West Spain vote to make Italy the coolest country in the world. But when they visit they realise that they have gone through time so they invent Bull Polo to pass the time.
South West Spain is the European Union's plot to subdivide their member states into districts, the same was done to England like there's no England but a "Mid-West", "Central" and "North" district.
- Benjamin Franklin succeeds Thomas Jefferson as President of the Ununited Scrapes of Armania. Later that year, Jefferson is elected President of the United Spades of America.
- The Cheese Famine of 1823, attributed to evil pixies, devastates the world causing mass migrations from Wisconsin, Cornwall, and Brazil (from which Brazilian refugees would settle in Ireland eventually becoming the first inhabitants from which the modern day Irish would decend from.
- Sauron takes control over Blizzard of Warcraft 3.
- Lu Bu takes over Asia as a practical joke. It didn't go down well with Russia. Lu Bu then proceeds to invade Africa, he then realises this was meant to be a joke and gives Asia to Russia as a housewarming gift. Later that year, the house burns down when an incident involving vodka, a dragon and your mom gets out of hand.
- The ancient Swedish city of Skansen is found by a foreign exchange student.
- Modern day Geography is discovered when Ron Jeremy, on his way to a cock fight in Tijuana, Mexico takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ends up in New Mexico.
- Cornwall suffers the Cheese Famine of 1823.
- The Mexico City Jaguars defeat the Madrid Conquistadors.
- Alaska is bought from the Indians for 12 beads and a moose by This guy.
- The long mystery of the construction of metal Scissors is solved when when an anonymous time traveler appears and reveals how to build the modern scissors.
- The NBA franchise Utah Jazz is originally founded in Lincolnshire as the Wisbeach Fauntleroys hunting club.
- Ambrose Bierce, a writer and philosopher, is born.
- Future Major General Robert Paulson is born in Nome, Alaska.
- April 30 - David Ricardo, a noted economist, is born.
- May 3 - The American Rhyming Act of 1824 was passed by Congress. 180 years later, Eminem attempts to rhyme "syringe" with "orange" in defiance.
- Legolas Elected Prime Minister of Atlantis.
- Beethoven writes "Ode To Beans" choral symphony.
- Spork fossils found in Lower Bulgaria.
- Lord Byron has the #1 Summer Jam with "Soak Up The Sun".
- Oscar Wilde travels to Paris, where he has the time of his life hooking up with French pederasts, enjoying casual strolls through Montmartre to gawk at the penniless Bohemians living there, and basically enjoying every ravishing fantasy known (yet denied) to man—as well as twelve known to monkeys!
- Because of a slight miscalculation by the International Keeper of Years, the events from 1809-1822 were fit into the previous year prior to 1823.
The quarter of a century after 1800 and the .0825th part of the millennium. Do the math.
- It is a well known fact that the year 1826 did not exist. Anyone who says it did is either lying or a robot. The only way to find out is to slap them quickly and repeatedly. If they are a robot they will kill you instantly. If they were simply lying, make sure to never talk to them again. Continue the slapping until you have determined which one they are.
- The Battle of Seinfeld begins.
- America's 50th anniversary, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams kill themselves in a Russian roulette after a few drinks. I think it was over who fathered John Quincy Adams, but we know Thomas Jefferson fathered a child from a slave.
- The phrase 10 items or less at the speed register Sir! is coinvented as was that word just a second ago.
- Queens fifth album Sheer Heart Attack arrives in the ever-stupid Wikipedian Database so, naturally no one else gets it.
In the year 1828, nothing of interest occurred. Whatsoever.
- Rather, due to a little-known stipulation in the calendar reorganization by Pope Gregory XIII, the year 1828 never actually took place. As a result of cleverly-placed subconscious suggestions in the widely popular Milton Babbitt's Guide to the New Testament, the citizenship of the world simply skipped the year altogether. No mention of this is made anywhere in reputable history books, because the population at large was completely oblivious to its manipulation.
- April 17 - James Last, covert government assassin and easy listning conductor, is born.
- May 23 - A marshmellow factory accident creates humor.
- May 29 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling and estranged brother of Doctor Who, wonders why people in the 18th century were unable to spell 'Sodium Pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. During a large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people are injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade asplodes.
- June 6 - Legendary Go player Hon'inbō Tartrate is born.
- British author Emeldormechale Twerpwookum's novel Ah, what thou I eat today ! is published. The book it most noted for introducing the term Chipset, along with various other suggestions, to British peasants for possible alternatives to sources of food which they had no hope of ever eating.
- The modern day joystick is invented by Jesus H. Christ.
- The candy company Avatar is established.
- Wolverine, future X-Man and all around badass, is born John Howler somewhere in Canada.
- Spoon and fork club is founded by future Uncyclopedian and escaped mental patient Marcos Malo
- June 29 - The Cock is adopted as the national emblem of Portugal.
- Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
- Two really pissed off Southerners, Davy Crockett and Sam Houston left Tennessee (or was it Arkansas?) to start a new country of their own in Texas.
Initially the year scheduled for 1777, though it was forgotten about.
- January 15 - I Think I've Stood In Something Day, was founded.
- Henry Ford puts the first flying car in production.
- John A. Macdonald founds SUNY Plattsburgh after a drinking binge.
- August 31 - The Almond Brothers break up.
- September 4 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
- September 31 - The first Amish supercomputer, the iBox, was put into production. It had no buttons.
- November 9, Walla Walla, Washington was founded.
- Charlie Chaplain formulates The Test of Faith for use in discerning whether one has a face or not
Illegal immigration pours into Mexico, but was done in reverse and these were white racists from the sticks of Dixie. These Americans declared independence in the short-lived Republic of Texas. Go figure.
Ninjas decide the world is a bit crowded; over 90,000,000 homeless people are brutally killed in one tenth of a millisecond.
- Oscar Wilde, travelling through Italy on his European tour, comes across the great nude statue of David in an art museum. Gently caressing it when no one is looking, he "accidentally" breaks the genetalia off the statue.
- Shadou, lone survivor of Ur, regains his other-worldly fortune.
- The county seat of Fellatio, Indiana was incorporated with Oralton County, Indiana.
- Native Americans ask when the white men will stop fucking them over completely. White men fuck them over more as a result.
- Cherokee Indians to this day won't stop complaining about the "Trail of tears".
- The Bomberang is invented.
- Optimus Prime fails his M.O.T.
The Republic of Oklahoma was founded by displaced Native Americans after they fought with the Mexicans over the turf. It was like a street gang war between the Mexican brown prides, the Cherokee redbones and the White good ol' boys.
- Alexander Zainanak, future Russian king and the sole ruler of the Zainanak Dynasty, is born.
- B.B. King gains his first fans, playing the opening act for a troop of men in drag. The show is a big hit in Las Vegas.
- Microsoft creates the first ever Microsoft EULA. This covers Windows 7 from hate from Apple fanboys who decide to dual boot.
- William Henry Harrison was US president for 30 days.
- The Glorious Revolution of 1841 occurs.
- March 4- He caught a cold while in an inaguaration ball.
- April 4- He dies without making any presidential decisions.
- The Great Pony Famine occurs.
- March 7 - Bret Easton Ellis is born.
- Marcus Garvey fights the first Dwarven Wars.
- Charles Darwin discovered humans came from monkeys, reptiles and fish.
- Louis Agassiz discovered Africans and Europeans are the same species.
- But the attitudes of the time rejected both of their scientific "theories".
- March 21 – The world does not end, contrary to the first prediction by American preacher William Miller. 40,000 gallons of Kool-Aid flavored poison is wasted.
- Turkey adopts a new flag targeted at the younger voting populace.
- Fornication discovered.
- Jesus Christ never came, despite that the Millerites (the polite term for "crazy nuts") said 1844 would be the year. They still say that the second coming of Christ is "at hand," not realizing that the true interpretation of Mark 1:15 is that Christ will have a second coming after a hand job.
Texas decides to stop being independent, joins the U.S. and the Mexicans get all bent out of shape.
- Yellow paints, which had prevously been sold with every single picture required to be a night scene, becomes out of fashion for some reason.
- May 11 - The Dinner Party departs from Independence, Missouri.
- May 13 - The Mexican-American War begins as The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce.
- June 16 - Pius IX is elected pope on the strength of his fetching rendition of the Macarena. Through similar means he later secures successive terms in office and becomes the longest-reigning pope since the days of St. Peter's last miracle.
- July 4 - President Grover Cleveland, while attending a 4th of July gala on the whitehouse lawn, is accidentally struck by a stray spark which ignites his wig. Fortunately for the country, Millard Fillmore, the vice president happened to be sitting next to him while chewing on a large bowl of escargo horse dubies. Needless to say, the country was spared by a troop of hapless escargot snails who later joined the whig party.
- George W. (Warmongerer) Bush is born.
- The tragic, yet oh so amusing Fractal Cow Incident in Essex, UK
- The majestic Galactic Garlic Overlords of Chappaquiddick IX invaded Earth and conquered the puny humans, whick they rename Jerques, a Chappaquiddickian word for "small naked rodents", which they thought the jerques were evolved from.
- Thankfully, the Chappaquiddickian Overlords were overtaken through the miracle of steam power, since they are allergic to water. Water doesn't kill them. Just a mild, itchy rash. But, really, what Galactic overlord wants that?
- A farmer, Louis the Third, discovers a ripe, red fruit and names it the Apple because it looks so similar to the logo of Apple, inc.
- The letters "æ, ø, å" are invented by Oscar Wilde, He states that he needed a little time off and that he was really bored in the 19'th century.
- Karl Marx posts his Communist Manifesto on usenet.
- Europe declares war on itself.
- The Great London Rising of 1848 occurs when the Cockneys of London, urged on by the Toffs invaded the surrounding counties and regions of England in search of slave labour and living space.
- Following the end of the Mexican-American War, the United States government approves the annexation of the Disneyland Five Nations Confederation territories.
- Much of the land of the Disneyland Confederation is appropriated and transferred to the Gracey family after the end of the Mexican-American War. It would later be used in 1890 to build the Gracey Estate, which later became familiarly known as the Haunted Mansion. Mickey Mouse the Great would later lead a protest occupying the house in 1952.
- The University of Mississippi is founded.
- The Dinner Party finds themselves in the Sea Of Oregon.
- September 3 - As an Acne epidemic sweeps through Japan, Tartrate Shusaku tends the patients within the Hon'inbō house until, falling ill himself, dies.
- October 17 - A dog makes newspaper headlines in Halifax, UK, by barking and chasing a cat.
- California gold rush. They were called '49ers who fought over the Cowboys, Raiders, Packers, Steelers, Giants, Chiefs and Vikings for NFL supremacy.
- U.S. claims New Mexico, insists all New Mexicans are Mexican "immigrants".
- Morons founded a new religious theocracy in the Utah desert. Isn't it funny we chased out the LSD-trippers and 7th-day Adventurers out into the Utah desert?
- Thank goodness he didn't have to live through this! Edgar Allan Poe died on October 3rd.
- Steven Tyler is elected Prime Minister of Haiti which he holds until 1935.
- The Irish Potatoe Famine reaches its height in the time known as the Year of the Laminated Dolphin.
- Louis Pasteur discovers sideburns in his Paris laboratory.
- John Wilkes Booth is born.
- Chinese poet Chairman Mao is born.
- Political group known as the "Donner Party" emerges demanding the legalization of cannibalism.
- Lu Bu fights Bruce Lee, they both say to each other "I am your Father" in the resulting confusion they go back in time to impregnate the other's mother.
- Neopets was founded, but not as a website until 1999. Only as a pet shop.
- Modern philosophers rediscover the ancient mystery that 1851 is actually 1581 backwards and not the other way around as previously thought.
- The Liverpool goat messengers replaced with the Royal Mail allowing the city to communicate outside the area for the first time.
- Music is reportedly invented by Sir William Thomson later publishing his therories in the essay On the dynamical theory of beat.
- Lee Kwan Yew is born.
- May 24 - Oscar Wilde guest stars on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
- June 5 - The jug band Warrant releases the popular anti-slavery song "Uncle Tom's Cabin".
- June 16 - Nothing happens.
- Donner Party goes exticnt due to members consuming one another.
- Decade, formerly known as a fruit drink, becomes a slang term used to describe drinking contests.
- Edwin Aloyicious Eathelred Thou-Shallt-Not-Take-the-Lord's-Name-in-Vain Bertram Trenchard, 7th Viscount Trenchard is born.
- April 1 - Famous (in Wales) Welshman, Max Boyce was born in a bus shelter on the A48 near Porthcawl.
- May 28 - After discovering a method to identify belly button lint, Louis Pasteur is murdered by the heirs of Marco Polo who wish to keep the Marco Polo Monopoly on Belly Button Lint.
- October 12 - The much covered up Second Coming of Christ. On a hunch the Pope was present. Tragically testing to prove if it was really Christ was similar to the tests conducted in Salem for witches. In the end, Jesus was nailed to a cross and then burned. The Pope believed that if Jesus survived, then he was really Jesus. I guess he didn't know that Jesus's one weakness was crosses. In the end Jesus died, the Pope quit, and Scooby Doo ended the episode with some witty statement like "Scooooby Doooooby Doooooooooo!"
- 16 October - Oscar Wilde was claimed to be born.
- 16 October - Abraham Lincoln gives speech in Peoria on why slavery should be continued. Demands that "someone should make me a fucking drink already". Slavery continues.
- September 11 - Nintendo and Uncyclopedia released Game 2, the sequel of Game.
- Game sucks.
- November 5.5th - John Philip Sousa dies.
- November 6 - John Philip Sousa born.
- November 12 - Beginning of the Great Humour Prohibition Act of America.
- November 13 - This day marked the first day of the great cheese embargo of 1854. This embargo was made because other countries gave us rottten cheese and it made the American people sick. Many people died, but hey that is not big deal because people die anyway. But the fact the people got sick and couldn't work to make people money that was a bad thing so people refused to buy cheese from other countries. This embargo lasted only a month because it was found the the stores that sold cheese did not keep the cheese cool so it went bad. This is what made the people sick.
- December 25 - Tom "Who's knicker's them panties?" Jones celebrates his one hundredth birthday and receives a telegram from Queen Victoria. The day has been a National Holiday in Wales ever since.
- Plastic is developed by the Venusians. This will later be used by the Trojans during the Trojan War.
- May 28 - Angry followers of Louis Pasteur march to Italy seeking for revenge for Pasteur's murder the previous year, ravage the city, raving mad.
- July 22 - An brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
- april 25 - Marty Mcfly comes from the future to perv on his great-great-great-great grandmother, oh and to eat pie.
- Marty McFly was an ancestor to Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham, George W. Bush and Laura Bush...AHA! I Knew it.
- May 10- Wolfgang Amadaeus Puck born.
- The Ku Klux Klan, a hit Canadian pop band, releases its first no. 1 single I Can't Remember How Many Cows I Have.
- Swedish alchemist and pyromaniac Pierre Curie completes his experiments on Phlogiston soon beginning a crime spree causing fires across Europe.
- Blazzze is born.
- October 13- Carol Davis is found under pile of mud.
- Johnson County, Kansas is established, soon after inventing the color beige.
- Harriet Tubman invents the subway calling it the "Underground Railroad". Subways would later be noticed by the rest of the world upon the discovery of the London subway system by Charles Darwin in 1860.
- The Lake District is constructed by Josiah Babblethwaitiziwig.
- Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglass have a series of heated senatorial debates focused on the argument of the legality of the $5 footlong at Subway. Douglass is victorious and the $5 footlong is banned from 52 states and 52 territories in the U.S.
- The AFL is invented, and the first teams (The Melporn Demons and the Gaylong Scats) are founded.
- The first Non-Huffable Kitten is born.
- Evolutionist Charles Darwin borrows Orson Welles's time machine and travels to futuristic London in the year of 1860 where subways are first discovered.
- April 25 - Construction on the Suez Canal begins. Soon after Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
- Footlong Act of 1859 overturns the Lincoln-Douglass debates of 1858 and legalizes the $5 footlong in all territories and every state except South Carolina due to Senator Calhoun's shocking resemblance to an evil bullfrog. This seems to be a leading factor in their decision to secede from the union several years later...
- Charles Darwin, time traveling from 1859, appears in futuristic London where he first observes the London subway system.
- The Tokugawa period in Japan ends, immediately following its breakup of new boyfriend Fred Tokugawa, after 230 years and begins seeing Emperor Meiji.
- Bean makes its debut performance in the Austrian capital of Vienna.
- John Kerry marries Julia Thorne. Thorne soon becomes severely depressed during the marriage eventually committing suicide in 1872.
- Han Solo is freed from carbonite for the second time, and goes onto invent the delayed toaster, which can also be used in that great pastime Kitten Huffing
- The Mount Vernon Ladies' Association of the Union builds a theme park in Virginia known as George Washington's Mount Vernon.
- Kazakhstan fights the British Empire. The Kazakhs lose by two goals to none.
- Outer space is discovered by Thaddeus Constantine Soblieski Lowe while on a reconnaissance mission over Virginia during the Battle of Bull Run. While drifting in space, Lowe becomes the first man to explore the moon, claiming it for the Freemasons.
- Oscar Wilde, based on his memoirs as an English sailor, publishes Crushing by autofellatio.
- Abraham Lincoln dies. It was later shown that he faked his death.
- The popular Reality TV show Leave it to Beaver begins airing.
- The Cadbury Brothers George and Richard take control of their father’s business. They begin to manufacture chocolate in what would later become the city of Bournville.
- Cheese becomes a fashionable filling of the Cheese sandwich
- Rodeo star Buffalo Bob tames the Fork. Howdy Doody is nowhere to be found. Doody is presumably being built by Anakin Skywalker.
- James Bond stars in Thunderwall.
- Gordon makes his acting debut on Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.
- Mark Twain enlists in the 1860s version of the National Guard to avoid being drafted during the Civil War.
- Marcus "W" Aurilleuis Discovered the planet Rigel 7 and explores it, but he unfortunately also discovers it's technologically advanced inhabitants which grant him eternal life and award him the place as their god, replacing The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Marcus later tries to create a galactic Republic by taking over Rigel 6, then Rigel 5, then well the rest of the Rigels(for some reason there is no Rigel 57 and seven fifths). Marcus eventually becomes the Grand Chancellor of the Galactic republic. Despite Marcus and the jedi's best attempts, Oprah, the dark lord of the Sith, seizes control of the republic and enstates a galactic empire which collapses after 5 minutes. Marcus now lives a secluded life in the great underground catacombs in pittsfield Mass.
- The inhabitants of Verna create the deathstar in an attempt to stop Marcus "W" Aurilleuis from the creation of his republic. The Vernians fail due to C3P0's expert TIE fighter piloting skills. C3P0 fires a crouton torpedo to its creamy center thus making the operaters of the deathstar eat the space station because they just realized the deathstar is one big chocolate truffle.
- The Potato Famine begins.
- Irish invasion of America.
- Instead of the U.S. fighting Irish people, we enlisted them to the army.
- Irish deserted to the Confederates, but deserts again to Mexico or Canada.
- Fuck all the Irish, you can't trust them Celtic ape-like papists.
1863: A lost year in history, a very amusing year nonetheless.
- January 31 - One man was actually beaten to death with a pingpong ball while another was jumping of his roof because he thought he was a bird. It was an exciting year especially in the small town of Wellington upon Smythe where they had 2 village fetes instead of 1.
- The name 1863 was invented by the Spanish in 1862 and is thought to mean year after 1862 but the translation was lost in the course of time and so was the name of the actual inventor. Archaeologists thought they had found 1863 but where disappointed to have only found the fountain of youth and the birthplace of Jesus. There is a great mystery still surrounding 1863 and its current whereabouts. Some people believe that it is in an underground chasm under a house in Michigan.
- Brian Welch, a pimp, is discovered by the band Pr0n.
- The worlds first battery powered fork is invented,two million people died during its first use.
- July 3 - The Potato Famine ends.
- First recorded account of beer helping ugly people to have sex.
- Slavery remains legal in most of the South, despite what Lincoln said.
- International rules and conduct for the British sport of Bloodbath are formed by the Geneva Convention eventually leading to a massive rise in popularity for the game in the coming years.
- Area man regrets wasting 1863.
- Civil war soldier prefers re-enactment.
- Benedict Arnold Carver is born.
- Lu Bu kicks a goat into orbit. The goat asplodes a year later, showering a small area in Ethopia in cooked goat meat. For a day the locals aren't hungry.
- Thomas Edison creates a robot that runs completely on steam. The mad scientific community proceeded to make fun of him, calling him "The biggest tool since Tesla". He responded by inventing the Space Shuttle and flying away to crybaby town for vacation.
- February 31 - Gymnast, Thomas 'The Fist' Bayes writes to Isaac Newton about stuff. Newton sends a really witty response that's kind of funny and makes you think at the same time. It was a really great moment and Bayes was glad.
- April 22 - All US minted coins convert to christianity.
- June 22 - Apostate Jews found state of Liberty, and it keeps that name until June 22, 1867.
- November - God erased the internet in a catastrophe known as the Internet Crash of 1864.
- December 25 - The United States of Armenia is officially established. Hours later Jesusland follows suit.
- November 29- Pioneer Village is founded in the middle of South Park, Colorado.
- December 29- The first black man in Pioneer Village was lynched, it's honored on the town's flag.
- Confederate States of America win the American Civil War but party so hard that they are defeated due to their hangovers the next day.
- William Butler Yeats is born.
- The rodeo is invented by Dwight Weisenheifer.
- Some guy is born in Somewhere, Wyoming.
- Jesus returns with a vengeance!
- Abraham Lincoln is assassinated again (for the first time!)
- May 3 - The Hudson's Bay Company gives up its claims to Vancouver Island on the grounds that it is full of Canadians.
- June 22 - State of "Liberty" changes name to Avoda Zara, as it sounded nicer and more feminine. Detractors note that the new name really means idolatry.
- July 1 - Canada becomes an official country, after William Shatner gets tired of not being noticed.
- The Charles Kennedy distillery company opens distilleries in Gladstone and Scotland quickly replacing rivals London and Dublin as the drinking scene in Great Britain.
- Tchaikovsky is extremely pissed off.
- Tchaikovsky channels his anger into what we now know as being the origin of the Revolutiontendo.
- July 3 - The Confederate States of America never surrendered, they went into exile in a place called Hope, Americana, Brazil.
- Something happens in some country during some revolution that causes some people a century and a half later to celebrate its obscure origin by getting shit-faced annually.
- Southern traitor-turned-Northern carpetbagger president Andrew Johnson impeached, but got away with the actual impeachment by one vote.
- ...Naaaaaa, na, na, na-na-na-naaaaa, Na-Na-Na-Naaaa, Hey Jude...
- Bartholomew Bantam, creator of the xerographic process dies.
- Chester F. Carlton finds a polyurethane cube in a smoking crater behind his house.
- The Cincinnati Black Niggers, oldest pro basbeall team in America founded.
- The year is retroactively deleted from the uncyclopedia timeline to prevent idiot references to the number 69 from filling this space.
- Meiji Restoration. Japanese Emperor bitchslaps the shoguns kickstarting Japanese industrialisation; first steam-powered Nintendo games console released within months.
- Uncyclopedia Brown biography Uncyclopedia Brown Loves Chachi is banned, particularly in South Korea.
- Brotherhood of Anonymous writes famous nursery rhyme, Mary had a little lamb .
- Ludvig van Wolfgang Amadeus Johann Sebastian Heimlich, developer of the Heimlich maneuver, is born.
- US President Benjamin Harrison is thrown out of office.
- 1337, one of the earliest known unlisted numbers, is developed by telephone inventor Antonio Meucci in an attempt to prevent telemarketers to stop calling him while trying to eat his supper.
- July 26 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
- Sept 3 - The Japanese unconditionally surrender to the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God to end World War OSX Jaguar.
- France declares war on Prussia. Louis Napoleon III boasts that "France is going to be victorious, as she always has been and always will!"
- The Prussians take Paris two hours after the speech.
- October 2 - The Great Tomato War begins.
- December 21 - South Carolina secedes from the Union again (like the 5th time).
- Germany founded. Kaiser Wilhelm I is declared head of state of the new Empire in Versailles. "I am sure Germany now has the chance to contribute to international peace and security as she always has wanted to", states the new Kaiser, adding: "Versailles will always be symbolic for the glory of Germany!"
- Antonio Meucci builds the first telephone, only to promptly abandon the concept and forward all calls to voicemail after annoying and repeated interruptions by telemarketers.
- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson buys his third shed, spurning the Earth to fall into a black hole.
- Butthole Surfers pen their second draft of "Human Cannonball" with containing numerous musical references to first version of the song.
- The most successful football club in the history of the World, Reading FC is founded.
- The last time black people (back then were called "freedmen") in the South can vote, run for office, have any job, attend any school, live anywhere, can enter any public building, can sit in any seat on bus cars, marry white women and be treated "equal" under the law.
- The X-box came to colonize Greenland.
- Bionicle, a method of planting microchips into small toys, is created by two unidentified men. It would later be used on a mass scale by the LEGO corporation.
- Windows first manufactured from LSD. They failed to keep the weather out, or the dragons. But who cared?
- Japanese Emperor To be continued creates the first Japanese video game company Zero Wing.
- July 20 - A peasant in a poor country licked a window and saw an image of the Virgin Mary. He then started eBay to sell it on the Interweb.
- 'wi-ki-oh' was first aired on popular japanese anime channel 7436.
- January 31 - You there with the mop is born.
- July 20 - Peasants in various poor countries begin to see an image of the Virgin Mary in a window after being licked on Window Licking Day. This would continue on into the present day.
- August 20 - Benjamin Harrison is born.
- April 20 - Benjamin Button starts to age in reverse.
- November 20 - John Cleese is born.
- The Partick Thistle Football Club, one of Scotland's oldest soccer teams, is estalished by ex-soccer hooligans, tired of brutally attacking fans, randomly begin attacking Glasgow's poor people with a traditional Scottish Thistle. Realizing they could attack opposing soccer teams as well they officially enter the league in 1906.
- Protesting to the British copyright of Cloud Mentioning, American weathermen form the American Cloud Mentioners' Union.
- James Clerk Maxwell successfully proves the impossibility of the electrified toothbrush which was seen to be completly incompatible with the laws of quantum electromagnetohydrodynamics.
- The Banana Phone, one of the first modern inventions of modern technology following the development of the stapler, is invented by Alexander Graham Bell. Its similarity to the telephone, invented by Meucci in 1871, will spark years of useless litigation interrupted only by calls asking "Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!".
- The first Banana Phone call, Bell's famous "Come here Watson, I need you", is terminated by an automated system with "Your call is important to us and will be answered in sequence. Your conversation may be monitored. A representative will annoy you shortly, please hold the line to guard your call priority." and left on hold for a then-record 366 days.
- 1876 is a leap year.
- J.K. Rowling's novel The Great Escape is published.
- A young girl named 'Jenn' is stabbed and raped and for some reason hung up in a closet. The murderer, for some reason, said 'Bukkake Bukakke' while doing the aforesaid hanging. This was later brought up in 2007 by YouTube spammers.
- The Combustion engine is invented by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Its development is met with great enthusiasm by scientists despite the fact the wooden engine repetedly caught fire, causing its gas tanks to explode, resulting in several deaths over the next 20 years.
- Falling out of a wormhole, Snoop Dogg discovers that there are other uses for hemp. Closely following was Albert Einstein, who was using hemp in the traditional fashion.
- Thomas Edison and his young ward Henry Ford landed their Mars-drome spacecraft in the verdant hills outside of The Fabled Martian City of Z'la.
- Edison's peaceful contact with the High Martians was not indictative of future human-Martian relations though, as Professor Moriarty and Fu Manchu followed the Edison/Ford Expedition some 3 years later and conquered the City of Z'la, until liberated by Tarzan and Phileas Fogg in 1902.
- Wait a minute, 1878 was a YEAR?!?!?!?!?!
- Larry King when to college
- Micheal Jackson started his carrer
- Lu Bu invents bullet-time.
- Lust is invented in Berlin by Mr. Bertold J. Lust.
- John Kerry marries Teresa Heinz.
- Feces is born in Frosty Hill, PA (York County),
- Leon Trotsky is born in Odessa.
- January - The Zulu nation gets the right idea and Michael Caine nearly gets his bloody head blown off.
- October - McSchwartzenheimer Zamenhof creates the language known as Esperanto after suffering a heroin overdose. He later claims an angel appeared before him and commanded him to develop a language unifying the world. However it is suspected he made have made up this claim to pick up chicks.
- October - The popular thrash metal band Slayer is formed. The band would begin as a group of boys singing choir for their school. They would evolve from their soft roots and become Thrash Metal.
- November 1 - The Civolutionary War began.
- November 2 - (Three hours later) The Civolutionary War ended.
- December - Joseph Stalin is born in St. Louis.
- The Beginning of the 80s.
- Thomas Edison invents "hair metal"
- Smarch - James wins world record by eating his Giant Peach
- May - The Earth destroys the Sun.
- October - To the bafflement of the Sun Destruction Committee, the Sun spontaneously regenerates using nuclear fission and dental floss. This brings to an end the little-known and little-noticed Victorian Ice Age.
In reverse, upside down and regardless, it reads "1881", how quaint.
- Väinö Tanner is born and begins his systematic destruction of the English language.
- The speechmark is invented by Winston Churchill, in the attempt to identify quotations better
- Lyons founded by Brigham Young.
- President Garfield assassinated by a man named Snoopy. He dies in 3 months, 3 days and 3 hours by a charlatan doctor can't locate the bullet, he tears a hole in his brain and dies from an infection. Snoopy blames Heathcliff, John Wilkes Booth (a Mexican agent) and the Mafia for the assassination.
1882 is an even number between 1881 and 1883. It is also the number of joints smoked annually by teenage girls.
Life magazine debuted, later it became Time and the other magazine Life had the pictures not the articles (no nude girls though).
One of those years when nothing much happened. Quick, think of something that happened in 1884! You couldn't, could you? I didn't think so. Grover Cleveland would be pissed.
However, the following sections may give you a little background information on the culture and styles of the time:
- Most Popular Song of 1884
- 'Livin' La Vida No Loca' by Roy Falsetto.
- Most Popular Book of 1884
- '1984 (the year, not the book)' by George Orwell.
- Most Popular Dramatist of 1884
- Winer, womener, songer, and popular man about town Oscar Wilde.
- The Russians invade the set of Debby Does Dallas.
- They began to invade the shores of Ellis Island, New York, New York, New York, America (LoL), today everyone is a Russian Jew, an Irishmen or an I-talian.
- Through the efforts of Fenton Crackshell, St. Canard is declared a city after a massive development scheme.
1885 is a year.
- June - Soccer becomes banned on the Moon.
- January 1 - Dr. Emmitt Brown arrives via Time Travel from 1955 and becomes a Blacksmith Until he is shot in the back over a matter of $80
- September 2 - Marty McF... er... Clint Eastwood invents the automobile.
- September 7 - Clint Eastwood is killed in a train accident.
“Shot in the Back over a matter of $80! What Kind of a Future do you call that?? ”
- Dr.Pepper, the first "What flavor is it?" soft drink is created.
- Secret formula exposed: Dog poop mixed with prune juice and sasparilla.
- January 30 - Karl Benz discovers gasoline huffing.
- May 1 - Mayday turns sour when the public turns out en masse for free hayrides, but there are not enough wagons to go around. Rioting ensues.
- May 8 - Fecal E.Coli is makes its market debut in Newark, New Jersey.
- June 2 - President Grover Cleveland marries Francis Scott Key in a civil ceremony in the White House basement.
- October 28 - President Grover Cleveland spurns France's gift of the Statue of Liberty, stating simply "She needs a makeover." Rioting ensues.
- Octember - Birth of ganglord Howard the Duck.
- The Purpose of life is discovered by Napoleon III after slow dancing with a Plymouth woman.
- Squirrles dominate the world after Squirrle Jesus gets a 43 bajillion - 0 kill ratio on FPS.
- The Squirrles decide they don't want the world anymore, and hand over the deed to earth to the Jews.
- Jews are found to be evil, sadistic, twisted people by Cartman. The deed to earth is stolen by the last remaining Jesusaurus Rex in the confusion.
- Money was discovered (again). Turns out it was behind the sofa the whole time... go figure.
- April 20th.
In France, the world's first motor race takes place along the banks of the River Seine from the centre of Paris to Neuilly. The Race is decidedly the most violent sport conducted by vehicles since the Roman Chariot races. Started by random gunfire, the Race involves Drivers cursing, and making obscene gestures at each other and everyone else around, while smoking cigarettes and stuffing their mouths with croissants at the same time. Drivers ram each other mercilessly in a attempt to run other drivers into the River Seine. Pedestrians run over count for points. The result is that many shit themselves.
- Robert Johnson wins an OBE for his hit single 'I believe I'll dust my broom'. Sparks controversy in the Catholic Church who are very much anti-dusting your broom.
- Nostradamus confused the 21st day of the 12th month of the 2012nd year with that of April 20, 1887.
1888 is the year everybody had forgotten about. It is known also for the day, despite it being a year, Karl Marx defeated the Mighty Morphin' * Power Rangers during a Super bowl half time show.super bowl -XXI.
- October 14 - Roundhay Garden Scene, is realeased as the first movie ever made, in which by then, most people have already given up on movies.
- Tradition Glues and Adhesive Tapes is founded
- Although repealed in 2001, Murphy's seventh law of thermodynamics was posted in this year. Its text read "Left to themselves, thermodynamics tend to go from bad to worse."
- The German holiday, Start your own Reich day, originated in this year.
- The first pig flew in this year, near the outskirts of Otakusaka, Japan. Because of this, billions everywhere gain unlikely jobs, wives, and have sex for the first time.
- Yakuza is proclaimed the national Timbuktu food.
- Yakuza plays and beats Tekken 1,2, and 3 for playstation.
- Beatrice Herzegovina was born.
- Jesus came back for a brief period; some suppose it was to watch Karl Marx defeat the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.
- Ho Chi Minh is born in medieval Saigon.
- The Barton Mansion is erected on Barton Road in Redlands, California.
- Indio, California founded, but died in 1989 thanks to the likes of Wal-Mart.
- The term White People was consructed.
1348 Black deaths ancestor is born ↓
- Pokemon Island is formed under Nintendo.
- Hadolf Itler, the mirror universe version of Adolph Hitler, is born.
- Adolf Hilter is not born.
- J.R.R.R.R. Tolkein, who wrote under the pen name Dungeon Siege, is born.
- Jerome K Jerome's novel Three Men and a Goat is published.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein is born.
- Friedrich Nietzsche goes insane, projects mind into infant Ludwig Wittgenstein.
- September 13 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was a Secondary Bastille.
- November 15 - A military coup overthrows Brazilian Emperor Pedro El Pedro II of Brazil. The newly formed government would eventually lead Brazil into the War Of Canudos.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman is born too.
- Some genius (some say he was an asshat more like) invented Nintendo Koppai (which at the time made awesome remote-controlled playing cards).
- April 20:The Holy Kitler is born
"Wait. 1890...No, can't remember anything. I must have been drunk the whole year."
~Carl Marx on the year 1890
- Santa Claus, with old College friends Albert Einstein and Dr. Johnny Fever, announce the world's first successful prototype cyborg, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Jordan The fued between rival clothing designers Percy T. Jordan and Tommy Hilfiger continues however, Jordan's Jeans continue to remain popular throughout the decade.
- William Gracey, Jr. builds a large mansion over the ancient burial grounds of the Nuolora. In the following decades, there would be a series of untimely deaths within the Gracey family mansion in the early 1900s, and the Gracey Estate would eventually become known as the Haunted Mansion.
- Clyde "Clyde" Clooney, leader of the Ant Hill Mob, is born.
- Martin Heidegger celebrates his first birthday.
- The Yukon becomes famous for a brief time during the Yukon Golden Grahams Rush.
- Sherlock Holmes' cocaine usage reaches full-blown addiction.
- April 28 - The Baby Boom begins.
- August somethineruther - First person named Lizzie is born. Can't blame her (SHE'S OLD!!!)
- December-ish - Cuthbert Pumphandle founds the town of Centerville, Illinois <THAT IS SICK AND WRONG AND SICK
- Robert Johnson is found dead in his apartment suffering from an apparent drugs overdose. Many at the time pointed at the Catholic Church but DNA has since proved that it was infact you... you basterd.
- Ludvig van Wolfgang Amadeus Johann Sebastian Heimlich, future inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, enters medical school after witnessing an accident involving friend and Scrabble partner Baron Manfred von Richthofen who, after flying too close to the sun, had crashed into a vat of gobstoppers which had become lodged in his windpipe.
- Ragpaste is invented by a French scientist named Edgar. He is subsequently exectuted for his crime.
- Jerome K Jerome publishes a series of books including his novel The Diary of a Prostitiute, his collection Told After Breakfast, and his short stories The 'aunted 'os and The Old Utopia.
- June 13 - A horse walks into a bar for first time.
- July 8 - A black guy takes Finis Jennings Dake to work on International "Take a Scientologist to Work!" Day.
- The earliest known use of the word spade is used by Malcolm X.
- Kimberly Keller invents Limbo, the game as an alternative to working in coal mines.
- March - In one of the rare victories in French Military History, the Orkney Islands are captured by the French.
- April - The French abandon the Orkneys when they discover that they cannot create anything pretensious, overly-complicated, melodramatic, or just plain poofy from the island's natural resources.
- January 12 - Hermann Goering is born. He will go on to manage a successful Starbucks in Munich after doing a bunch of other important stuff.
- May 5 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
- June 20 - Canada sells 336 million bushels of wheat to the Soviet Union (I am not making this up).
- July 15 - The US Supreme Court rules in favor of the United States Government in Red Fruit vs. State, 149 U.S. 304 defending the Tariff Act of 1883. The Supreme Court orders The Tomatoes to pay the 10% tax on vegetables ignoring the fact that The Tomatoes are actually fruit.
- August 21 - Jerome K Jerome's novel Ovel - Otes and short story The Lancing Partner are published.
- September 2 - John Cleese passes the entrance exam, on his third attempt, successfully enrolling in the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst.
- November 5 - U2 is discovered in a Dublin tavern drunkenly singing dirty limericks created by young playwright Oscar Wilde and claiming it as their own. Older Oscar Wilde, stuck in a time loop and attempting to improve his younger self's future, violently assaults them, and is subsequently jailed and sentenced to two months' hard labour.
- November 6 - David Letterman is born.
- November 7 - Andy Warhol is born.
- November 30 - The first ever World Autofellatio Championship is held in Dublin, Ireland, being for the benefit of Oscar Wilde.
- December 13 - 'Obnoxious Plastic' replaces the gold standard for 6 months, several Synthitar owners become milionaires over night.
- The elder Oscar Wilde, caught in a time loop, seizes the opportunity to improve his younger self's life and stabs an actor, whom he knew would eventually ruin Wilde's reputation when they met, to death while the enraged actor searched the front row for the source of the lone audience member chanting "You fat bastard" (Wilde himself). No one actually liked the actor, so no charges were actually filed in court.
- The Slim Shady Algorithm is successfully derived by Clown Enema University professor, and the Ukraine's foremost algorithmic genius, George H. W. Bush.
- The Media is created by Joseph Pulitzer who, after publishing a research essay about human cloning, agrees to a bet with a college that the public would believe anything no matter what he wrote and during the next century he would create the Cold War and other sensationalist stories.
- Rumors of steroid use among the world's top tennis players leads to enactment of a manditory drug testing policy in the PTA Tour.
- Queen Victoria becomes the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean completed the voyage in 209 days. This record would be held until 1964.
- Andrew Lloyd Webber is accidentally ennobled by Queen Victoria after tripping over a poor person and curses profanity.
- Jerome K Jerome's Lord of the Rings: And Other Stories is published.
- U2 releases its single Girl and everyone hated it.
- George Galloway is born.
- Boris Spassky is born.
- September 23 - The long awaited Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes begins as Tomatoes begin a mass revolt against farmers.
- Geisenheim gets cityrights
- 1894 Hampton Hill Whale Disaster occurs near London, U.K.
- The Crisis on infinite Earths occurs, however no one seems to notice.
- A mania for "Kill the Guy With The Ball" games swept the English-speaking world, resulting in the development of Rugby in England, Football in the United States, and Kill the Bastard With the Ball! in Australia.
- Clint Eastwood attempts to jump the Shonash Ravine, only to fall to his death at the hands of Bilbo Baggins.
- Alexander Graham Bell invents the busy signal; later in the year he invents the Graham Cracker.
- Alfred Nobel, inventor of the Swedish Fish, writes his Last Will and Testicle.
- Microsoft Windows 95 is created by Bill Gates and a team of 12 engineers.
- Grand Pope Tarkin becomes Pope.
- Director Fritz Lang's Der Sieben Samurai, later remade as Seven Samurai, is released.
- Amalgamated Poxololeum is founded.
- The Moon is devoured by its evil twin brother; Noom, nobody notices and the world carries on as normal.
- Zeus plays a practical joke on Greece convincing them to hold the first Olympics.
- Chevy Trailblazer looses to a local florist in his first political campaign.
- Sarah Orne Jewett's "The Country of Pointed Firs" is published in which the term copycat is first used.
- No literature was found concerning people wearing double-breasted suits.
- September 93rd 1896 Hilary Duff dies.
- Nothing happened somewhere.
- Sulfuric acid, also known as Suwphuwic Aphid, is discovered lying around the office by scientists.
- Before he can reveal the mystery of the Olympics, Zeus is killed in the Hampster Breakout of 1897.
- The Writer's Block Act of 1897 is passed by the US Senate.
- Noom begins to plot the destruction of Uranus.
- Queen Victoria declared all women unable to fart, burp, cuss, piss, poop and give birth. She declared homosexuality for men NOT WOMEN illegal, and outlawed the terms "bosom", "peninsula" and "crevice" from the English language.
- The last of the Russian Mongol-Totorians, in a war with the the rival wild tribes of Moscow since 1893, are killed.
- Japanese Emperor Nintendo, who had ruled the country since 1304, dies suddenly. He is succeeded by Emperor Mitsubishi.
- Grover Cleveland declares the Midwest to officially be a region, for which he is rightfully assassinated.
- January 3 - Sir Edward McShortstuff is born.
- February 8 - Sauli Niinistö is born.
- April 1 - A superintelligent alien race called the "Oscarwildeium" decides to help the Earth out of its misery. They send a large army of aliens to destroy mankind. However, due to many losses to the April Fool's jokes they abort the attack.
- April 2 - Scientists discover that the alien race "Oscarwildeium" cannot stand jokes. All specimen were send to Area 51 for further examination.
- May 19 - The young Oscar Wilde writes the famous quote, "No longer is there such a thing as an imprisoned Oscar Wilde."
- Octember 33 - Dana Scully, founder and president of the Microsith (later merged with Microsoft), is born.
- July 15 - Jesus and his team The Disciples win the World Cup for the tenth time.
- November 18 - The Battle of Much Twinkies is fought in World War VII.
- Jerome K Jerome's novel Second Thoughts of Fellows is published.
- Nigendum, later known as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, is created as a mascot for the pop band the KKK.
- The DMCA replaces the AMCA after it becomes obsolete.
- Masturbation is invented by Microsoft.
- King U assumes the throne of the Alphebetian Empire where he rules until 2005.
- June 13 - A chicken "crosses the road" for the first time, but the event goes unnoticed by the media except for the news truck that ran it over.
- There is a funny dirty little war in Cuba, which was sparked by a farmer peeing in an outhouse. Someone whines about the smell, and then someone complains that Muhammad was insulted by the act of peeing in an outhouse, and soon all heck breaks loose.
- Scrooge McDuck buys and opens the Oilfield in Goosetown,Calisota.
- November 18th: Pedobear was born.
- See: 1899
- Can you say bye-bye 1800s?
- Can you say oral sex?
- People partied like it was 1899
- Queen Victoria, upset over the outbreaks of partying across the Empire, cancels remainder of year (June 17). Calendar makers and people born after June 17 riot violently across British Empire.