Pipe down Oscar, I was just about to get to that. A boar could be many things. Mostly it is just a hairy pig with horns, but there is so much underlying that makes this magnificent creature so complex. Gather around, friends, and prepare for the epic journey.

A Fabled Suburban Bronze Boar

Anatomy of the BoarEdit

Like most quadrupeds, boars typically have four legs, neatly accessorized with four proportionate feet. Unlike many common predators of boars, like giraffes who walk by moving their left legs forward, then right legs forward, boars walk in an alternate fashion, e.i. front left 1st, back right 2nd, back left 3rd, front right 4th, penis 5th. Because of this walking "habit", boars can be outran by ANY giraffe (depending on how much drag the penis step causes). This was a huge burden on the boar population in Eastern Kenya. The carnivorous giraffes dwindled the population so low, that the East Kenyanian Shovel Snouted Boar nearly became extinct. Thanks to the local natives, however, the giraffes were driven off to Central and Western Kenya because the East Kenyanian Shovel Snouted Boar happens to be the natives' favorite pet. Boars do have more than just legs. They also sport a spiral tail. In fact, the spiral tail of a dead boar in rigor mortis is used to open the highest end of fine wine and Champaign. Attaching the legs and the penis to the tail is the boar's head. A boars head has 1-3 eyes, 1 snout, 1 mouth with tusks sticking out, 4 rows of teeth, 2 ears (one functional), and most of the time a concealed laser.


A wild Four Eyed Thick Boar enjoying some Dippin Dots

If you don't can it, Oscar, I will stop manually inserting your quotes!! Ahem...anyway. Boars have a weakness. They have to eat to live. Because of this, you commonly see boars searching for grub, such as grubs, to eat. Due to the stature of boars, and poor metabolism, all the food goes straight to their ass. Boars have to eat their weight, in berries alone, to survive an afternoon. Aside from the berries, boars also must eat twigs, grass, truffles, garbage, boars, and Dippin Dots (pictured). Because boars are natural gluttons, they go straight to hell when they die. Everyone knows gluttony is a sin! SHAME!!!


Boars live in grassy knolls. There is no other place they choose to dwell. That's all I have to say about that.

Daily life of a boarEdit

An angry boar that just woke up.

Boars, like I mentioned in the intro, are very complex. For some reason, and often times another, they wake up in a pissy mood. This could partially be because they hate their jobs and their wife was caught cheating on them, but mostly because they are almost like the rejects of pigs. Pigs have all the charm, the beauty, the women, the money, the fame, and the respect. They get to wallow in their own filth with ZERO criticism. They eat all the slop they want and are protected from giraffes by 3 foot tall metal or wooden fences. The only downside to being a pig is the inevitable slaughter once they are fat enough, to be eaten by humans, or other carnivorous bipeds. So the biggest source of all boar rage is, envy. ANOTHER HELLISH SIN!! BAD BOARS!!

After waking boars must begin their daily feasting rituals, like eating, and chomping. Only interupted occasionally with breathing and blinking. (Boars can't multitask) Once the boar is done with the eating it is nearly bed time. They finish the night off by "seeing a man about a horse" and making sweet sweet boar love to either a warm sock or their already sleeping and sexually satisfied unfaithful wives. Rinse and repeat.

Boars in HISTORY!!!Edit

Porky Pig, formally known as Porkshire Boarson

Boars really have had no impact on history. There is only one boar who ever made it, and he disguised himself as a pig. That was America's favorite animated livestock, Porky Pig.(pictured) Porky hadn't always been so handsome and successful. Before he converted, Michael Jackson style, he was ridiculed as a boy. His parents enrolled him to pig school, knowing perfectly well he was a boar. He was teased for his absurd tusks, hairy back, and enormous cock. (Pigs prefer tiny penises) Every year Porkshire, ahem, Porky has his tusks filed and his back shaved. As far as the huge cock goes, let's just say his human girlfriend has no complaints, except for the complaint of being in jail for having sex with an animal. Other than that, no other boar has EVER done anything worth anyone's time. In retrospect, I am now upset for wasting my time discussing my knowledge of this worthless animal. Doom to boars!

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