Larry King

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Larry King

Larry King is one of the oldest human beings who has ever lived. It has Been estimated that he is over 9000 years old. He has interviewed nearly 600 thousand people, starred in over 40 movies with directing and producing credits in 72. In addition, he has guest starred on 15 different television series with an average of 5.4 appearances on each.

He has won more than 70 Grammy Awards, most for Best Rap Production. Further, he has written over one hundred books, all of them best sellers. In fact, eleven of his books are currently in the New York Times Top Ten.

A fitness buff, he has done over 140 push-ups and competed in 600 marathons with victories in 156. Also, he has gold medals in the '58 and '72 Olympics. Speaking of the '72 Olympics, at those games he threw himself on a live hand grenade, single handedly saving the lives of two Jewish athletes that were being held hostage by terrorists. After the hand grenade detontated, he proceeded to bitch slap five terrorists to death. Needless to say, those five terrorists were awarded the ugliest virgins in Valhalla.

During the 1996 Olympics King personally saved a busload of schoolchildren from crashing into an orphanage while God looked on in approval. Afterwards, he went on to win the gold medal in figure skating for the United States team.

He recently won the award for the worlds ugliest thing ever. He was beat in the competition by total noobs, including The Chrysler PT Cruiser, Meatloafs Butt , and your mom. He is also the brother of Slayer Kazooist/beard grower Kerry King.

Larry's appearance is the result of a scientific experiment in which owl and bullfrog genes were mistakenly injected into a human embryo. Larry first started wearing his trademark red suspenders in elementary school as a way to deflect attention from his poor grades and bad breath.

Larry King one time wanted to use a red hot poker to shove it in someone else's ass for pleasure. He was to pay $10,000 for anyone wanting to try it. The CDC alone with the Health Dept. shot down his latest attempt fearing that a plague would result if something terrible went wrong with it. He later dropped it in fear of his own safety and sanity.

King began as a local Florida political columnist in 1844. He wrote several articles deriding John Tyler's administration, but his articles praised the Polk administration after it began. He also submitted numerous political cartoons to his local newspaper, which were accepted, albeit slightly changed to fit the newspaper's political bias, which enraged him so that he often sent telegrams to his mother ranting and using numerous expletives, which upset her so that his father went to his house in 1848 and loudly condemned him for such deplorable actions, and made it clear that telegrams would no longer be accepted from him, punching Larry once in the face before leaving.

King started writing humor novels in 1854, the first of which "A Shoddy Hand in Fate" was published in 1855. He published his second novel, "Hunt for the Walnuts" in 1858. He continued drawing political cartoons, also until 1874 when he chose to retire with his wife and grandchildren. In 1881, however, he was struck in the night with an onslaught of political cartoon ideas praising James Garfield's shoddy medical examiners, which he deemed "crafty liberals in disguise". His ideas were accepted and ran unchanged in Harvard Lampoon.

His fame became so great that he was paid so by the publication that in 1883, he was given a $150 paycheck per year, enough to buy him a mansion, where he often spent his time with his third wife, Alexis Benning, and his grandchildren, Benjamin and Alice.

He then was inspired to write another novel by a story he told Alice in 1879 about a boy who left his life in a sweatshop to make his fortune in the world and met several disagreeable inviduals who intended to lead him astray along the way. It featured numerous mockeries of the Hayes administration, with an assassination attempt plotted against him in one scene and nearly succeeding. He did not choose to modify any details of the story to fit the society of the 1880s, instead borrowing Jules Verne's tactic of stating at the beginning that it is set in 1879. He did add a few elements of it, though, including scenes in 1880 and 1881, with the boy becoming sad at his election and leading a plot to assassinate him. The story was derided by conservative critics, which King stated was "precisely what I wanted", and the political nature of the story was compared to Dickens, and it was well-received by many critics, which inspired him to write another one, the process of which he began developing in 1884, which mocked Chester Arthur, and which he worked on for so long and involved so many ideas that it became absurdly complicated, and it was released in 1888 to critical acclaim.

King's political cartoons became less popular as his mockery of Presidents ended, as he drew mainly positive cartoons of the Cleveland administration. He decided to retire in 1892 when he would be 69, but when Harrison was elected, he was filled with an onslaught of creative ideas for political cartoons which were greatly popular among liberals, with one critic stating "Let us hope that our President remains a Republican for quite some time". King's political cartoons during this period are regarded as the best he drew, being only a little better than the cartoons he drew in the 1880s.

He started another humor novel in 1894, "The Dreams of Man", which was released in 1896, to mild critical acclaim, with its indictments of Harrison being widely praised.

He wrote a few political cartoons in 1893 and 1895, but then retired and did remain out of the public's eye for several years until 1908 when fearing his death was near, he decided to write "the ultimate book". It included numerous ideas and references to several Presidents and a 100-year old man dealing with all the Presidents for all of his life. It featured 500 chapters and was critically lauded when released in 1923.

King's doctor informed him that there was nothing wrong with his body at the age of 100, which was the result of increased medical check-ups and a more healthy lifestyle adopted by King in 1883 after he turned 60. He was determined to remain in excellent condition, despite his advanced age, for quite some time. In 1923, he drew more cartoons for Puck which mocked Coolidge. He continued drawing cartoons for Puck until 1926. He remained in retirement until 1932, stating to reporters that "for me, retirement is really just a 10-year break". His parents had both died, as well as his first and second wife and all of his children.

Larry King EraEdit

King is renowned for his exceptionally large head.

In 1958, Larry King devised his own time keeping method known as Larry King Time (LKT). Under this system, a year is divided into 100 hexoids with each hexoid divided into 100 Larry King Units (LKU). Due to his superior intellect, he can easily switch back and forth between systems to accommodate the at least 500 people he interacts with each hexoid. Larry King lacks ears, but often pretends he doesn't by cupping his strangely earlike hands next to his head.

A Hexoid in the Life of Larry KingEdit

On the left Larry after a workout, on the right before appearing on Larry King Live
  • 1-4 LKU: Exercise. Performs at least 10,000 push-ups and sit-ups. he runs 10 miles and weight lifts for at least 1 LKU.
  • 5: Breakfast. On the advice of his personal physician, he has been on a bacon-only diet since 1995.
  • 6-10: Reads the top three newspapers of every city on earth with a population greater than one million.
  • 11-17: Writes at least one book or screenplay.
  • 18-20: Reads three books.
  • 21-35: Tapes 60 episodes of “Larry King Live” He can tape a 1.2LKU show in less than 0.3LKUs.
  • 36-50: Works on time machine. If there is one thing Larry does not have enough of, it's time.
  • 51: Lunch/produce rap album.
  • 52-53: Interviews for new assistants. The average time a newly hired assistant lives is about 27 hexoids.
  • 54: Attends 2 former assistants' funerals.
  • he is the master of the suoied questions
  • 55-63: Appears in whatever movies, commercials, voice acting and/or TV shows that he has lined up for this particular hexoid. If there are none, he will renovate one of his houses.
  • 64-65: Appears as Jack Lalanne to pull an aircraft carrier one mile while swimming handcuffed. Alternately, he might appear in a Jack Lalanne Juicer infommercial.
  • 66-75: Telephone calls to various heads of state around the world.
  • 76: Dinner/produce rap album.
  • 77-79: Responds to the nearly 50,000 emails he gets each day (about 5% of those were sent by himself). Larry can type over four hundred words per minute because he uses his right arm for training his arm muscles at the same time.
  • 80-83: Without exception, Larry always takes LKU 80-83 to meditate and reflect on his life. 80-83LKU is known as the King's Sabbath.
  • 84-100: TiVo Time! Larry King has modified his TiVo to accommodate his needs. Larry's TiVo is actually a 48 node blade server system with a petabyte RAID array. This allows him to tape nearly every channel in existence in its entirety. Between 84 and 100LKU, Larry sits in front of 48 hi-definition TVs and watches the current hexoid's recordings. He views every sporting event, newscast, nature show, all the Law & Order spin offs (Yes, even Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors' Unit), as well as shows in at least 20 other categories. Incredibly, in this time he takes in more than 700 hours of commercial free broadcasting. He remembers every last detail, all the while listening to his rap album production playbacks.

Interesting FactsEdit

as a child
Rod Serling on a recent interview with Larry King.
In 1964, Larry King fought Jack Lalanne to the death and took on his identity in addition to his own.
Larry King's mug shot after slapping some bitches.
  • Larry King was beamed up into a UFO on November 14, 2007, and has never been seen since!*
  • In 1750, Larry King broke the world record for most sit-ups.
  • Larry works for a combination of Peanuts and Reubels.
  • The last time Larry King slept was August 17th, 1958.
  • In 2007, Larry King admitted to having high shoulders syndrome.
  • The last time Larry King had a bowel movement was September 12th of 2001.
  • Larry King is the inventor of both the GhettoMobile and the Ghetto Blaster.
  • Larry once dated Elizabeth Taylor but dumped her citing "she was too stuck up for my tastes." * On Hexoid 23, 1978, the King's Sabbath began just as Larry was about to summit Mount Everest. Much to the shock of the expedition leader, he stripped naked (as he always does) and meditated for the entire sabbath (3.5 hours). He did this in blizzard conditions at an elevation 28,900 feet just below the foot of the Hillary Step.
  • Larry can bench press over 500 pounds and does so repeatedly without a spotter.
  • Larry not only looks like an owl, but upon testing, was revealed to have owl DNA.
  • Larry has the capability of crushing ice cubes using only his pectorial muscles and a glass of bourbon.
  • He reportedly has the second largest penis(No doubt he has been growning it for his ~9000 years of being alive), The largest penis belongs to Ving Rhames
  • On Hexoid 86, 1999, Larry had to demolish his home in Los Angelas due to a California ordinance that limited the number of stories a single family residence could have to five. Larry was framing in the 38th story of his house when he was contacted by authorities and forced to cease construction. He did, however, threaten to contact Ice T and others to exact retribution.
  • Was married to Tina Turner for four days in 1981.
  • In 2001, Larry King once made Ice T shit his pants by flexing his arms
  • Larry can guess any number you are thinking of as long as it stays under 100.
  • Larry King's TiVo runs his own operating system known as Kinux. The most stable and secure operating system on earth, Larry refuses to release it to the public. When asked, he mumbles cryptic phrases about Skynet and nuclear war.
  • Arguing semantics with Larry King will result in death. Your death, to be precise.
  • Larry King has had sex with over 60,000 women, one and a half men, himself and a T-Rex.
  • Larry King laughs at mere mortals and exclaims he is the true "Space God of Xenu"
  • Larry King is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the only man to survive the vacuum of outer space.
  • King's diet consists of Lemon-Lime Diet-Rite, sheetrock nails, small Ethiopian children, and rattlesnake puree.
Larry "DON" king
  • Larry King was rumoured to be Batman's nemesis Ra's al Ghul, but this was later debunked. We can't Larry King's word as the Gospel truth after all, now can't we?

See AlsoEdit