UnNews:Pluto found to be exactly what we figured it would be

20 July 2015

Pluto on the left, an artist's rendering from 1979 on the right.

HOUSTON TEXAS - In January of 2006, after decades of planning and building, NASA sent the New Horizons space probe on its mission to fly by Pluto, take pictures of the dwarf planet (née 9th planet of the Milky Way galaxy), and upload the images back to earth. Nine and a half years later, the probe has successfully taken the first high-quality photographs of Pluto, and has begun sending them to NASA. The consensus on the mission? A complete waste of time.

"Yeah, it's pretty staggering," says NASA Chief Engineer Michael Ryschkewitsch. "We had made some assumptions of what Pluto would be and what it would look like, then we finally get a good look at it, and it turns out all of our assumptions were 100% accurate. I guess that's a good sign for our agency's deductive reasoning, but it's also pretty lame."

Pluto's predictability has even disappointed the creative sector. "I've been professionally painting celestial bodies for a long time, but after looking over the photos what is the point," asked painter Agatha Freily. "I looked it up and some book cover artist painted what turned out to be a photo-realistic portrait of Pluto back in 1979."

When asked how he was able to create such a realistic painting of the erstwhile planet, the artist in question, Mr. Don Dixon, answered "Easily." When pestered for more information Dixon replied "Anyone with even a modicum of understanding of space and our solar system could have created the same paining. It wasn't hard, and the images coming forward have only furthered my belief that NASA was just wasting time between lunar missions when they began this mission." Dixon went on to blast NASA for the mission, and wasting untold billions of dollars funding it.

"There are some pretty mysterious hills down on that surface. That's pretty amazing, right?!" asked an increasingly desperate Ryschkewitsch, desperately trying to shine the Pluto turd. "We could do some studies, maybe, on how those formed!" His team of lethargic and jaded engineers only gave him blank stares. "Ah, jeez... Well there's still plenty of photos that will be sent our way in the coming weeks. You never know, something new and unexpected may show up one of those!" An engineer dejectedly shook her head. The rest stared dully into the abyss. Ryschkewitsch sighed. "Who would have guessed that a world over four and a half billion miles away would have conformed so heavily to our expectations? But... no. Something new and exciting will show up! It has to... right? ... RIGHT?!"


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